How in the heck is it 2015??? Thanksgiving was a blur. Christmas is just around the corner. And…it has been over a year since I last even looked at my lonely little blog.
The circumstances that brought me back here once again are surprising, in a way, considering the life I was leading when I started this blog oh-so-long-ago, as an optimistic, dewy-eyed field biologist.
For the past two years, I’ve been working as a substitute teacher (Oh, the pity I now feel for the substitutes I met as a child!) at a vo-tech school. I’ve been fitting fieldwork in occasionally (this summer I was cuddling Cerulean Warblers), but in general I have been attempting to find a way to make a stable income whilst staying local. Why? What made me leave my birdies and the forests I so love? Love, of course. I had a boyfriend, I was going to get married and have adorable children, and we were going to live happily ever after (cue the saccharine love story music).
Sooo….yeah. That didn’t work out. Somehow, I find myself a few weeks away from thirty, recently dumped after six years, depressed, living at home, and working a world away from the field work I love. I’m mopey. I’m nowhere near the awesome physical condition I once was in whilst scaling the mountains of Oregon in 2014. I’m that kinda sad that has me weeping at odd moments and going on dates with every doughnut in a tri-state area.
I’ve been wondering what I should do now that my future of a ring and babies has disappeared. Should I become a teacher? A homeless vagabond? Somehow brush up my horrible math skills and tackle the GRE? Go to debtor’s prison for free tv and food?
I’m working as a long term substitute in a CIS class and what was our assignment today? Creating a WordPress site. On a whim, I put in my old user name, somehow unearthed my password, and voila! My little adorable Saw-whet Owl was staring at me.
I miss being that girl: the one who travels and blogs and gets to handle amazing birds. I feel like a lost wreck right now, but looking back? I was awesome! I traveled the country. I didn’t make tons of money, but I made enough. I saw animals and flowers and scenery that boggles the mind. I got to go to a job I genuinely love every single day.
What happened? I feel like a failure in many things, but one thing I know: I am an awesome field biologist. I’m hard working, I have a knack for nest searching, I have loads of experience in everything from being a crew leader to getting blood samples from live birds to radio telemetry. I was born to be a field biologist.
I used to get so excited for new field jobs. I would look up the birds of the region and plan on what I was going to see. I would take a gazillion pictures of anything and everything I saw. I wrote journals, and blogged, and dreamed, and planned.
Somehow I lost the magic, and jobs became a drudgery. I missed my boyfriend, I took things like banding and birds for granted. I stopped enjoying my work and lost sight of exactly how wonderful field work can be.
I think, somehow, I have to find my way back to nature. I don’t know exactly how: should I throw caution and stability to the wind and just become a hard core seasonal biologist, jumping from job to job? Should I get things together and try to make a bid for grad school? Maybe simply digging my camera out and taking pictures again and blogging about it a little bit will help. I have no idea.
But I do know this: I miss being me.